Why everyday conflict happens

At the heart of NVC is the belief that conflicts arise from unmet needs. Every action or word that triggers conflict is a strategy to meet a fundamental need, whether it be for respect, connection, autonomy, or security. When these needs go unrecognized or unaddressed, frustration and misunderstanding can follow. By identifying and articulating these needs, we can shift the focus from blame to understanding, paving the way for more constructive dialogue and solutions.

Everyday relationship conflicts often stem from deeper, underlying issues that go beyond the immediate disagreements. When we understand this, it gives us more power to stop conflict before it happens, or to deescalate it faster.

1. The Stories we Tell Ourselves

One of the key principles of NVC is understanding that other’s actions don’t directly create our feelings. Instead, it’s our interpretation of those actions that create feelings. This has been confirmed by neuroscience, which shows us how feelings are created in more detail:

• Stimulus: An action or event occurs.
• Perception: Our brain perceives this action or event through sensory processing.
• Interpretation: We interpret the perceived action or event based on past experiences, beliefs, and current context. This involves cognitive processes in areas like the prefrontal cortex.
• Needs: This interpretation includes an assessment of whether our needs are being met or unmet.
• Thoughts: Our interpretations and assessments about our needs generate thoughts about the action or event.
• Feelings: These thoughts then stimulate emotional responses, which are processed in the limbic system, particularly the amygdala.

When someone says or does something we don’t enjoy, we tend to instantly create a story about what they are thinking and what motivated them to say or do that thing. Often, these narratives are constructed in ways that reinforce feelings of distress or opposition, such believing they are acting to punish us, or are being selfish. Usually the stories seem so true and create intense enough feelings that we completely believe these stories as if they are confirmed facts. In NVC, we call this narrative an “enemy image”.

The stories we tell ourselves about each other is one of the primary things that leads to conflict. NVC encourages us to become aware of these internal stories and to actively reframe them. By viewing conflicts through a lens of curiosity, empathy, and needs-consciousness, we can let go of our immediate reactions and dissolve our enemy images. Then it’s easier to work together to meet everyone’s needs.

When communicating about our beliefs, we’ll often share what we’re thinking as if it is the truth, and then the other person will get defensive or have some other reaction because their truth is different. If we communicate our thoughts, stories, and beliefs in a way where we own that they are ours, it is much easier for others to hear us. For example, “I have this painful belief that you are doing this to punish me and I want to check in with you to see what your actual motivations are. Are you willing to help me understand what’s going on for you?”

When you are in conflict, what stories are you telling yourself about the other person? What beliefs do you have about their motivations? Are you able to tell yourself that this may not be true, that they may have another story?

2. Systemic and Personal History

Conflicts are often influenced by broader systemic and contextual factors such as cultural history and personal history. Sometimes we may react strongly because of the influence of that history, without consciously realizing it in the moment. NVC encourages us to slow down, look inside, and identify these influences and consider how they impact the conflict. Acknowledging these external factors and understanding how they shape each person’s perspective helps us to more deeply understand each other and the root causes of the conflict.

When communicating our history, we often do it in a way that is difficult to hear, like and we get a defensive response. it’s easier for others to hear it when they hear the observation without hearing blame attached to it. For example, systemically, men make more decisions at work and have not listened to the voices of women. Instead of saying, “You men don’t listen to us at work”, you might say “In our team meetings, I’ve noticed that decisions are often made by men, and the women on our team rarely get a chance to share their ideas. Is inclusivity in decision making important to everyone? If so, could we explore ways to ensure everyone has an opportunity to contribute during our meetings?”

When you’re in conflict, what systemic and personal history is contributing to that situation? How much is that escalating your reaction? Are you able to separate the history with the actual event? Are you able to talk about both as separate things, not the same thing?

3. Triggers and Trauma-Informed Approaches

Many conflicts are intensified by emotional triggers rooted in past experiences or traumas. These triggers can cause strong emotional reactions to relatively minor incidents. When we notice a reaction that seems disconnected from what has happening right now, it can be helpful to remember that whatever was said or done may have activating a trauma response and that the response isn’t entirely about us, even if it is being directed to us. Seeing the response as an expression of trauma can help us to respond with more compassion instead of out of reaction.

For example, instead of saying, “You’re overreacting! Calm down! Stop yelling at me!” we might take a minute to self-connect and self-regulate, and then gently say, “It sounds like this is really important to you. Are you saying…” and reflect what they are saying.

4. Power Over or Under

Conflicts often persist when individuals are unwilling to be influenced by each other’s perspectives and needs. This resistance can create a stalemate where one party doesn’t experience being heard and has an unmet need to be valued. In NVC, we call this power-over or power-under. We also have a concept of power-with, where there is mutual influence and both parties practice openness to each other’s viewpoints and collaboratively create solutions that work for everyone.

Conflict also happens when we believe we have no choice and have to comply to the demands of others because we’ll be punished in some way if we try to advocate for and meet our own needs. Even when people do what we want, it can come at a cost (like resentment) if their needs are not being considered, or they do not have any shared ownership of the solution.

One way this can be applied to reduce conflict is to create strategies to issues together. So, instead of requesting a specific solution, which people might interpret as a demand, we can instead say something like, “Are you willing to brainstorm ways to make this work for both of us?”

When you have a conflict, are you open to different strategies to get your needs met and open to exploring the other people’s ideas as well? Are you open to creating a strategy together, or are you demanding things are done your way, even if it doesn’t work for the other person?

5. Stress

Our ability to handle conflicts is deeply connected to our overall well-being, including physical, mental, and emotional health. Stress, fatigue, and emotional strain can make it harder to respond with empathy and clarity. When we respond from this place, conflict can easily escalate. NVC encourages us to slow down and continually check inside to see what we can observe about the reactions our body, mind, and heart are having as an act of self-empathy.

I noticed many years ago that if we try to have an important conversation while I’m driving, that extra bit of stress was enough to dramatically increase the chances of that conversation turning into an argument or a fight. So, if an important conversation starts in the car, I always name that and ask to postpone the conversation until we get home, or pull over and have it then if it is urgent.

What do you notice about the environment and other outside factors when you have conversation that go poorly? How is the environment contributing? For example, is there a baby crying, or kids running around? How can you reduce the external stress to have a calm conversation?

Conclusion

When we are in conflict, it’s often these things driving the conflict at an unconscious level. We just might feel discomfort, angst, frustration, anger, etc, but not really be aware of why, or worse, incorrectly attribute it to the person we are in conflict with. Coming back to this list might help you become more aware of what is creating those feelings and point to new options for communicating your needs without blaming the other person for not meeting your needs.