Complaints, Criticism, Contempt, and Opportunities
There are three ways we typically express ourselves when our needs are not being met.
Complaints: This is when we talk about specific actions or situations, without it being about the person or their character. In theory, talking about actions can lead to being heard and finding strategies to meet your needs. However, when we talk about actions using the word “you”, as in, “When you…”, people tend to hear them as criticism. I believe this is a result of a common childhood trauma of hearing that we’re bad when we don’t do things the way our parents and other care-givers want us to do things.
Example: “When you were on your phone during dinner, I felt hurt because I wanted to have a meaningful conversation with you.”
Criticism: This is when we talk about the qualities of people when our needs are not being met instead of speaking about what they are actually doing (or not doing) that isn’t meeting your needs. So, we’re focusing on what’s wrong with them as a person, instead of the actions. There are several things we can look for as indicators of criticism, such:
- Labels – “You’re Lazy.”
- Diagnosing – “You only care about yourself.”, “You’re such a narcissist.”
- Exaggerations & Generalisations – “You never listen to me.”
- Judgments – “You’re a terrible listener.”
- Blame – “It’s your fault that we’re always late.”
- Sarcasm – “Oh great, another brilliant idea from you.”
- Comparisons – “Why can’t you be more like your brother?”
- Negative predictions – “If you keep this up, you’ll never get anywhere in life.”
Example: “You never listen to me. You’re so selfish and inconsiderate.”`
Contempt: This is when show others how we feel about them or their choices with things like sarcasm, mockery, ridicule, hostile humour, or even rolling our eyes. It is one of the most damaging things we can do in our relationships.
Example: “Oh, you’re on your phone again during dinner? What a surprise. You obviously don’t care about anyone but yourself.”
Needs Not Met With These Strategies:
When we experience criticism, contempt, or complaints that sound like criticism, we tend to have a reaction. When we have a reaction, we’re busy dealing with our reaction. We may go into shame, anger, blame, explaining away, or some other response. It’s very difficult to be in curiosity about the needs not being met or to strategise ways to meet those needs.
The flip-side of this, is if we want to get our needs met, sharing our dissatisfaction through contempt or criticism isn’t going to help. The only thing it does is stimulate pain in the other person, driving you further apart. And, even if we try to get our needs met by sharing our complaints about specific actions, it’s highly likely to still not move us toward getting our needs met.
Opportunity Energy:
This is why the prep process is so critical. It helps us to shift our energy from complaint to opportunity, and it helps us to bring up the topic in a way that is much less likely to trigger a reaction.
Example: “I’m missing connection and would love to put the phones aside during dinner and share what happened to us during the day.”
Bonus: Recovering From Contempt:
If you notice that you are sharing contempt with someone in your life, what do you think it would do for that relationship if you stopped the contempt and replaced it with brainstorming ways to for you and that person to get their needs met better? What would it do for that relationship if you started sharing appreciation instead? Appreciation is the antidote to criticism.
If you are experiencing criticism, check out Practicing with Triggers. This may help you to change how you are reacting and hear the needs that are being expressed in a tragic way.